Defeating My Inner Baby Mama

As a newly 30 year old single mom I am finally beginning to embrace life.  I  am becoming one spiritually, waking up to the the truth of what the Bible tells us and what God has destined for me on this journey called living. I have come a long way. From child to lady to woman. I have been the girlfriend, the side piece, the mistress and the wife. I have always strived to be the mother. The adult in the equation of two, that can often cause the most mature person to rebel against adulthood and revert back to early adolescence.

I have tried closure. I have tried communication; I have even tried space. As women we are brainwashed at a young age that relationships once over can not be cordial or amicable with the involvement of children. No matter how accommodating a woman is, no matter how cordial she tries to be; without a ring on her finger or a hand intertwined with hers, she is automatically classified a baby mama.

The first step to me moving on and becoming whole in my spiritual walk has been destroying my inner baby mama. My husband certainly doesn't make it

easy.  Especially his blatant disregard for my feelings regarding him, our marriage, or the fact that he chose a stripper over his wife, his children, and his family. He seems to feel that business should go on as usual. I should plaster a smile on my face and take it like a man. Protect my pride and live life as if nothing is wrong. As if he didn't have me and his mistress living in the same home, sneaking around from one room to the next while I was asleep. All because he is still willing to be an amazing father; I am suppose to just suck it up and act like nothing ever happened. Boy is he delusional. I have tried desperately to ignore his disrespect. I moved out of our home the three of us shared; she was supposedly our tenant/ roommate. I left everything behind; both materialistic and sentimental. With the clothes on our back my children and I drove 16 hours to our new beginning.

For the first month of our separation I continued to include him in the business I created and ran 98% on my own. During that process she confessed to them sleeping together in a derogatory manner, and all of the lies, excuses, and sneaking around began to run through my mind. Ignored signs began slapping me in my face, and my inner baby mama surfaced. Aspirations of being cordial parents providing two nurturing and healthy homes for our children turned into promises of child support, limited visitation, hatred, disgust,

These threats subsided quickly taken over once again by my desire to provide safe havens for our children, without the ugliness and bitterness that divorce often brings.

One month of separation turned into two almost three months of excuses, blame, lies, and more betrayal. It wasn't until he accidently picked up video chat with his son while in HER room. This is when he gave a half ass confession claiming nothing happened until after I left. Now all of a sudden his declarations of us being a possibility, him missing me, his missing my....assets...etc all went down the drain.

For years I dealt with physical, emotional, and mental abuse from this man. I excused his inadequacy as a husband due to his parental skills, and good times. The good times did at one point outweigh the bad. I once again resorted to the baby man I have always despised but found myself becoming more and more.

My spiritual walk is constantly reverted back to start with every conversation, every "truth finally revealed"....so much to the point I had to make a decision. I had to defeat my inner baby mama....finally once and for all become nothing more than the ex wife, my kids mom, and woman I was meant to be.

It is a work in progress. Some days are harder than others. This is why I have created this blog. I have created this blog for all of the hurt and scorned women out there who have to put on a brave face for their kids, family, and friends. Who can't expose their pain for fear of being considered weak or treated less than the amazing woman that they are.

This will be my diary so to speak. My online account of my journey to becoming one with God and no longer subjecting myself to the stress and turmoil; the hurt and disrespect of my failed marriage. I pray one day I can get to the point where I no longer am affected by his actions. I know I will never be okay with my children being around her. Not only for how everything transpired. Not  just because she pretended to be a friend, and more. But because she is not the type of person/woman my kids should be around. I will try not to focus on her as he is the one who owed me the loyalty; it's just as a woman she should have kept her distance from me. Hopefully the inner baby mama will die sooner than later. Each day is an obstacle I try my hardest to overcome.